When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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