Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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