Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
