Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
