how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Boobs are out for the taking
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
