we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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