I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
that may or may not have been my penis.
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