I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
