My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
