maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
