Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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