So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
