I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just had sex bonerless
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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