Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
someone owes me an orgasm
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
