i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
