ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
