Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
