I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
