Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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