every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
