everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
