I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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