I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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