Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
