In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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