We named our party play list daddy issues
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
