Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
