I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
