if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im six kinds of drunk right now
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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