I faked an abortion last night.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
