Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
