I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize