On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
