so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Randomize
