im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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