I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
