meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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