At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
