you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
