I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize