opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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