Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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