Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Ketchup is God's man juice
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We were destined to go to rehab together
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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