I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
