I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
