atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
organizing the empties. That sober.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need a beard to bite.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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