I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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