I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
