I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
