I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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