This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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