Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize