Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
