I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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