mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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