3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
