Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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