his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize