To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
