I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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