cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize