I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
