I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i dont even know how to be here
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
