Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
