She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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