you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
