i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize