Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize