I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
