just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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