it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
